Not all love and light

I've spent a lot of my free time lately browsing pagan forums again, trying to gain a sense of communion and community with people of like minds.  Many of them seem like great people, but there are a few who shit rainbows and expect every pagan to embrace the concept of love and light.  I am not one of those pagans, needless to say.

I don't know why I'm writing this other than an innate need to bitch and complain and generally let my hair down.  I'm tired of being compliant and quiet and generally submissive to just about everyone in my life right now.  This at least I can BITCH about.

So lets jump to the beginning shall we?

I am a Pagan..or neo pagan if you prefer.  To all too many I've encountered lately this means LOVE and LIGHT, Wicca beliefs such as a 3-fold law, a bastardized version of karma, and an eclectic pillaging of beliefs from various cultures without much respect for the cultures these beliefs came from.  According to some the very fact that I am a Pagan means I should bond to them, and stick with them through various times of adversity and we should all just get along.  I digress!  I should even love the Earth, recycle, be a leee-buh-rul, hate the GOP, be an activist, shun "darkness" (aka evil to them), call them brethren, and in many cases believe in a duality.  I should also be love and light and all things good and often times I feel I should greet them with merry meet and merry we part..or whatever the F&$K they say to eachother.

As you can tell, I despise all of the above.  Nothing pisses me off quicker than some fellow neo-pagan telling me I should be their best friend or strongest ally simply because we both worship under the gigantic umbrella of "paganism". 

Let me tell you about my gods.  I worship at the altars of Odin, Thor, Tyr, Freya and others of the Norse pantheon.  The only non-Norse gods I pay homage to are Hekate and Cernunnos.  My gods are dark and scary.  Sometimes they demand blood and sometimes they really put me through the ringer.  They are as harsh and cold as their landscapes and as serious.  They don't dabble with love and light.  They expect and demand as much from me as I from them and nothing comes easy.  Nothing is ever simply given.  It takes devotion, sacrifice, offerings and gifts, dedication, and years and years of learning to get to know them.  There is no 3-fold law, only Wyrd and Orlaeg.  My path does not allow for "anything goes", it consists of a number of virtues that dictate how one should live. 

I do not worship goddesses over gods.  I do not believe in "do no harm".  I believe that self-preservation is THE HIGHEST law. The leader of my gods, Odin, demands warriors, blood, and death for his army.  He has a vast array of Valkyries which carry slain warriors from the battle grounds to Valhalla.  He is the epitome of self sacrifice, and he demands no less from his followers. 

In the end, my gods will fight a great battle during which they will die, Ragnarok it is called.

No, MY Gods do not concern themselves with love and light, the three fold law, or any such rot.  Wicca is great for others, but not for me, so don't assume that because I am Pagan that I am also composed of love and light, because I am not.  My gods are dark and fierce.  Most of the gods I have been drawn to over the course of my time studying paganism have been of the night, rulers of ghosts, battle and war, magic and witchcraft, etc.  Freya is probably the gentlest deity I've ever worshiped, and yet she too has her own set of claws. 

Anyways, just a rant.  I am no scholar, I still have a lot to learn and acknowledge that fact.  Indeed, we all still have a lot to learn, do we not?

44 Days of Witchery - Day 2: A myth or story from folklore.

Two very distinctive myths regarding Odin really "speak" to me.  One myth is the story of how Odin acquired the meanings of the runes, and the other tells how Odin gained his wisdom and ultimately lost his eye.  According to the sagas:

Wounded I hung on a wind-swept gallows
For nine long nights,
Pierced by a spear, pledged to Odin,
Offered, myself to myself
The wisest know not from whence spring
The roots of that ancient rood. They gave me no bread,
They gave me no mead,
I looked down;
With a loud cry
I took up runes;
From that tree I fell.

This myth speaks of sacrifice.  Even the All father Odin must make a sacrifice in order to gain what he wants.  One of the reasons I love Norse mythology and the Norse pantheon is the concept that there is no free gift and not even the gods are immune to this law.  In order for Odin to gain the knowledge of the runes he had to  spend nine nights hanging presumably from Yggdrasil and sacrifice himself unto himself. 

In a similar story of sacrifice, Odin seeks Wisdom and so travels to Mimir's Well.  There he must sacrifice his eye for a drink from Mimir's well in order to gain immense wisdom.

It also reminds me of the rune "Gebo" (meaning "gift"). 
From my interpretation of the sagas, there are no free gifts, everything, even the blessings of the gods, come with a cost.  The cost may be small or great, but there is still cost involved, be it dedications, offerings, sacrifice of time, energy or anything else one can imagine.  In exchange the gods will give you whatever they deem you need or want, but both parties must give to the other.  Such is represented by the crossing lines in Gebo and in the myths themselves. 

44 Days of Witchery - Day 1 - Whats your witchy background?

My witchy background begins in the 10th grade when I was the ripe old age of 15. Prior to this time I was a devout Christian child, born to and raised by devout Christian parents. I don't recall ever questioning my Christian faith until this time in my life. In fact, I used to be the girl who would take notes in church, research the Bible for pleasure, and get into heated discussions with the preacher.

During my sophmore year in highschool I met a girl who would later become one of my best and most trusted friends. She introduced me to Wicca and Paganism, chakras, and New age beliefs. It took a little while for me to fully adjust, but after a time I realized I wanted to be a Pagan, though what type of Pagan I wasn't sure of. I felt drawn towards Wicca and the wheel of the year, but couldn't stomach the rede or the rule of three.

After a while I decided I was "eclectic" as my friend called it.

I believed in the goddess and the god. After a while I obtained a polytheist belief structure. Cernunnos I considered my patron and Hekate my matron. I also felt inexplicably drawn to the Norse pantheon. I considered myself a green with and a cottage with and felt drawn to folk magic over ceremonial magic. Eventually I was introduced to Voodou and the Lwa spirits by my then and current boyfriend. Ever since I have felt a strong pull also towards them, primarily Papa Legba and
Ayizan.

And that is my witchy beginning.

Photo of the Day

 

Beautiful Day today!

It is such a beautiful day today! According to my phone it is 62F right now, and according to the meteorologists if it stays below 68F we'll reach a record low! Its cloudy and cold and oh so lovely. Anyways, work tonight 2-10, but if they need me I may consider staying until 6. That means its a looooong day ahead.

Autumn is good for healing

I've been depressed a lot lately, luckily this previous trip was planned close to the holidays and cooler weather. Gone are the days of oppressive heat and back are the days of sweet smelling air, chilly weather, wool and knits, pumpkins, ghosts and goblins. Well..almost. You can definitely smell autumn..or rather Mabon in the air fast approaching. And with that for me comes Halloween, one of my favorite holidays.

I've had this song in my head for days and decided to post it in honor of the coming season.



Whatever the reason, I'm always worse (mentally) in the summer. Its very akin to Summer SAD, which I've come to find out many others have as well. As soon as the weather has dropped, regardless of my ongoing sadness over Nick's departure, I began to feel better as I did last year and the year before that. Its like magic in the weather. And its been this way as long as I can remember. I'm an October baby.

I also find I become much more spiritual in this weather, much to Nick's chagrin. So I'm going to do more digging before school starts October 6th into Asatru and Norse religion and possibly do more research on the Lwa and Orishas. I'm not ashamed to say that I am a (neo) pagan 1st and foremost above other things.

I've also spent a lot of time thinking about what new tattoo I may get after my current one heals and I get the financing in order. No, its not expensive, but I have other things to pay for that come first.

Anyways, I'm thinking about getting this on my left foot to offset the stars.

It spells "family" in Elder Futhark runes..and contains a few of my favorites such as Fehu and Jara. Its not like Kanji, I actually know what it says because I taught myself to read them years ago. But I guess we'll see what decision I ultimately decide to make.

What is important is that he loves me.

I slept in until 11:20 this morning and so forgot to take my AM does of antianxiety. By 11:20 I should have had my second dose already, or been about to take it. No wonder when I woke up I felt a tinge of panic. Mornings have always been my worst time for anxiety, and as the day wears on the anxiety decreases. In fact, I rarely have any panic issues at night. My suspicions are that it has something to do with my chemical cycles, as this was particularly the case before I ever began my regiment of antianxiety meds. Now the result is probably because I've metabolized my antianxiety meds out of my system overnight and have been late to take my AM doses..imagine that. Anyways, mornings suck, and when the anxiety begins to creep on like that, I can be a wreck for hours until the full effects of my meds kick in.

As a defense mechanism to keep that from occurring, I tried a mantra. No matter what is happening with our plans, with our future, with our lives, good or bad, what is important is that HE loves ME. I really need to remember that, especially as I keep pushing to get married so soon and as I have my panics and fears. HE loves ME, we are in this together, we will get through it, and the future is bright.