If you won't waste your time crying over me, then I guess I won't waste my time crying over you

I was torn between entitling this blog "Questioning all of my decisions over the past 5 years" or "if you won't waste your time crying over me, then I guess I won't waste my time crying over you". Both work and well.

I guess some background information is required here. Nick has made the annual migration to my home in Indiana, and has been here since late July. He goes home this Tuesday, August 30. I, naturally, am once again having a hard time with this transition, as well I probably should. I mean when you only see your significant other for 5 weeks out of every year, I think its pretty damn natural to be a bit melancholy about it.

Indeed, last year he went home I went through a depression which lasted several months, partnered with anxiety and panic attacks. I damn near have had to be sedated for most of the past year. So I think it only natural that I feel just a tad bit of sadness over his absence. Though I do not anticipate having the same level or depth of depression as I did last year, I do anticipate missing him, feeling lonely and upset, especially for the first few days or weeks of adjustment. I also have a lot of fear, fear that I won't feel fulfilled and that I will suffer long standing depression and anxiety similar to what I did last year. Not only is it not healthy, but its making me question if the benefits of this relationship outweigh the drawbacks..and Nick ain't helping either.

With the knowledge that within a few short days my "fiance" will be making the return flight home, I have gone to him for comfort and support. I have tried to spend as much time with him as possible and cuddle up to him here and there (sans being clingy), however the usual response is "GOD NOT THIS AGAIN!!!". Let me tell you, I am not being overly emotional and clingy right now..that will happen when he leaves. All I want is a hug, a kind word of "it will be alright and here is why" and "i'll miss you, darlin'". However it would appear that is too much to ask for. In fact, it seems as if Nick would rather me be across the room or house from him right now, and pretend nothing is about to change. I can understand not wanting to accept the inevitable until the end (since its what I usually do), but I would never push him away as he does me, belittle his emotions (as he does me), or freak out and withhold my support and affection. I feel like its not too much to ask for a hug here, a cuddle there, and a little show of emotional support.

Instead I get nothing but barren emotion and anger from him. And honestly, I feel a tad bit taken for granted...and disgusted by his behaviour as of late. Not only is the aforementioned a considerable disappointment, so too is his random outbursts of anger.

If one little thing doesn't go his way, he freaks out. RWAAAAAARRR WHERE'S MY SHIRTS. WHY DON'T I HAVE ANYTHING THATS FUCKING CLEAN IN THIS HOUSE!?!!?!?!? I'M SO ANGRY RAWWWWR *SLAMS SHIT AROUND* RWAAAAARRRRR I CAN'T FUCKING WEAR THIS SHIRT ITS GOT A TINY LITTLE STAIN ON IT THAT NO ONE WILL NOTICE. GRRRRRRRRR AHHHHHH RAWR!

It happens so often and for such insignificant reasons, that its beyond irritating. Childish rather. Combined with the belittlement he so often shows me, I'm about at the end of my rope with this man and this relationship.