Depression

I really don't feel like going through the ins and outs as to why I'm depressed, but lets just say that Nick went home today, and I'm really feeling the blues about it. Though my other blog was rather feisty, we made up and I got over my resentment towards him, like always. He more than assuaged my fears, anger, and sadness.

Now I'm sitting at home, alone, and Nick is boarding his final flight from Toronto to Sydney. And I'm stuck here, in my computer chair, trying to vaguely explain while I'm so upset. Part of me really does not want to relive any of it and the other part feels the need to vent.

The fact that Nick is gone for a year, that I won't be touched (just the holding of a hand, or the caress of a cheek), that I won't have him near is enough to break my heart, make me want to crawl into a hole and die. I know I asked for this, I chose this, but that doesn't take all the pain away.

I actually did really well at being strong..I didn't cry or get upset until I was sitting at home alone and the realization suddenly hit me with a wave of panic that Nick was really gone. I've been crying ever since. Nothing I can say to myself helps, except Nick's reassurances. I've been texting and calling him for hours, trying to get some peace from this mess.

I'm a high maintenance burden, but Nick says its all worth it. My griping and this separation. I don't know that he's correct on that. I don't think I can go through this again and again for longer than another year. I just can't handle it. Either he has to stop coming or we have to end it, because this being torn apart every year almost kills me every time.

I love him. I want to marry him. I want to be with him sooner rather than later, and its worth it. The hard thing will be leaving my family for a couple of years, which is the plan. Go to Canada for a few years, then move back home (both of us together). As sad as it may sound, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I either miss my family or I miss my fiance.

But, I suppose its time I man up. My family will always be my family, but its time I begin a family of my own. Its going to be hard to convince my dad that I won't be gone forever and that I'll visit as often as possible. I think its going to be really hard on my parents. That I could possibly make them feel the pain I'm feeling over Nick triples my own pain and sadness now. I don't want to be responsible for their hurt feelings. And I'll miss my dog..as silly as that may sound.

So I can't win. I either miss my family & dog or my fiance and feel the guilt and depression either way.

I'm giving myself a lot of pep talks today..trying to get over some of it.

The best I can come up with is a quote I found on the wall of the tattoo parlour today. Because I did get my first tattoo right after I dropped Nick off at the airport. I was so scared, but I was able to overcome that fear.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

- Frank Herbert

First time I ever heard it and it works for me in so many ways. Fear is a huge issue for me, if you can not tell.

Anyways, since I'm all over the place. Here is my first tattoo.